“...our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers.” M. Scott Peck
I love conflict; without it my world would be a boring place. The greatest novels, theatre and films are full of it. It’s in our homes, it’s on our streets, it’s in our newspapers, relationships and lives... So why was it up until a few years ago I feared conflict, especially at work?
Conflict, as a definition, is the actual or perceived opposition of needs, values and interests and conflict as a concept can help explain many aspects of social life such as social disagreement, conflicts of interests, and fights between individuals, groups, or organisations. It when your colleagues disagree with your idea, it’s when your boss gives you unrealistic deadlines; it’s when your partner is always late for your date...
As a theatre director I am always looking to find the conflict in a story so I can build up to those moments and then look as the consequences of that conflict. In a rehearsal room I feel safe; I am dealing with characters, other people’s stories and can distant potentially combustible issues. I am able to direct and influence conflict, I can replay it, I can deconstruct it and put it back together in a different shape.
However, it took me a long time to realise that the skills I use as a theatre director can be transferred into working as a leader. My office, my home and my street are very similar to the rehearsal room; there are lots of characters, lots of stories being told and always potentially volatile situations.
I used to fear conflict, I would find any excuse not to have the difficult conversation, give negative feedback or address contentious issues. I would hide, feel nervous, worry that I was going to damage a relationship or fail. This led me to be in a cycle of conflict or more appropriately be part of the drama triangle (see further reading below). I used to play the role of rescuer; I would listen, observe from a distance and not intervene. This got me nowhere. My fear of conflict stopped me from expressing my true feelings, opinions, needs and wants. This, ultimately, created a lack of understanding which resulted in – more conflict! In my experience our fears attract the very thing we seek to avoid.
A couple of years ago I had one of those ‘eureka’ moments. I had the courage to address a contentious issue with a colleague. Previously I had avoided saying what I really thought and didn’t get to the core of the conflict. This resulted in a win - lose scenario; they won, I lost! I then realised I needed to approach the situation differently. I decided that I would be honest, sensitive but get the real route of the conflict and guess what? No one died! The world didn’t explode and over a period of time actually resolved the conflict. Overcoming my fear of conflict was the way to achieve an equal relationship. I was able to acknowledge and embrace that ‘I am afraid of conflict’ which the ironically cleared it.
I now embrace conflict. I use it as an opportunity to explore difference, to apply empathy and to give people a safe, creative, honest space to express themselves.
I love conflict!
“Conflict is the beginning of consciousness.” M. Esther Harding
Further reading:
TOOLS FOR CONFLICT ANALYSIS
DRAMA TIANGLE
